Does Anybody Have a Patch for Women?

I've been thinking a lot lately. Not having a job tends to afford me a lot of time to do that. I've been thinking about games and life. I think on some level I could probably relate any facet of my life to a game. It's true that being a gamer isn't just a hobby; It's a way of life.

I've also been pondering why it is that, in general, gamers have a hard time meeting women. And here's what I've come up with.
(This is meant to be humorous. Don't take any of it too seriously. I actually think women are wonderful.)

Women, like everything else, are like playing a game. Except in the case of women it's a poorly designed game that is very difficult to play.

First off, the images on the packaging never seem to properly communicate the actual content. It seems a lot of time and money can be spent making the box look pretty. But that doesn't every necessarily mean that you'll enjoy what you get once you get that box open. There's really now way to tell for sure what this person is like, so the only way you're going to find out is to install her into your life and find out first-hand. You just can't use the box art as an accurate judge.

Second, women don't come with a manual. Whoever made this product didn't even bother telling us gamers how to use it. Granted most of the time we wouldn't read the manual anyway, but it would be nice to have one to refer to sometimes. Especially when a problem is encountered that requires some troubleshooting. When the red lights start blinking and alarms start sounding it would be nice to have a guide telling us how to interpret those warning dialogues and properly diffuse the situation.

Thirdly, women are terrible from a gameplay perspective. The rules aren't clearly defined and are changing constantly. The controls are unfriendly and difficult to master. Mission goals are cloaked in a complex and sometimes daunting series of puzzles. Helpful user feedback or guidance are seldom provided, leaving the gamer confused and frustrated and uninterested in playing. In some cases there is also a heavy time commitment that just doesn't cater to casual play.

There are also major technical hurdles with women. There's no way to remap major functions into a more workable solution. Hacking the .ini files is out of the question, as they are most definitely "read only" when it comes to women, and only the woman has the the correct privileges to change that. Installation is difficult at best. If successful, removal and uninstallation is an even messier process. They're hard to get rid of, and often leave traces of themselves behind while wreaking havoc on your memory. It's nearly impossible to get a woman to behave and perform exactly the way you expect, not too mention that female software is full of all sorts of technical flaws and a patch never seems to be available.

Don't even get me started on the lack of multiplayer support...

Of course, if you can miraculously get past all that, the results can be absolutely amazing and totally worth all the trouble. Women are also far superior to games in that they have built-in support for haptic feedback. Games rarely have that, and if they do it requires some phenomenally expensive hardware.

My action plan is this:
I'm going to get a job designing games. I'm going to make some great games and build on that experience. And then I'm going to apply that knowledge, but not to meet women.

Instead, I'm just going to design a better woman, dammit.
(ugh. Weird Science flashback.)


KrisB said...

Hit the nail on the head. I never thought how gaming could relate to women so... um... easily. And it's sex, isn't it.... your talking about a lack of sex...


Parasite Evil said...

If only we were given the VXD API so we can write our own virtual device drivers and have direct access to the hardware ;).

...That was just a bad joke...

Jess said...

This was hilarious! hahahaha...

okay, seriously now. Get a girlfriend.

The Unbelievable said...

The only thing funnier then that blog was the comments. Great!