The day that shall not be named in my presence

So here's why I hate Valentines day. And no, it's not because I think it's a holiday invented by greeting card companies to drive mass consumerism and help the slow decay of civilization. I hate V-day because it's a day that caters exclusively to couples, and leaves single guys like me in the dust. I'm single, it's February 14th, and I'm homocidally jealous of everybody who's got a special somebody.

I want to try and convince myself that it's just another day unlike any other, but that's pretty hard to do when everybody else you know who's in a relationship is "getting it on" at least once in the 24 hour period known as Valentines Day.
The day has been otherwise referred to by some friends of mine as "hump day", which sounds pretty accurate to me. I also had one friend, during a discussion of how the holiday is even unfair to men in a relationship, suggest that Feb. 15th makes up for that, as it has been unoffically dubbed "steak and a blow-job day".

But where does that leave me, and guys like me? The only way I'll get that is if I go to the keg, buy my own steak, and miraculously convince the waitress to meet me in the men's room during her break.

I delved into some Valentine's Day history to see if I could come up with some gem of knowledge that would make me feel better about the day. You know what I found out? The holiday really IS a day made for couples! Even history failed me.
It originated around 270AD in the Roman Empire. St. Valentine was a bishop who was known for marrying couples in secrecy after the emperor had forbidden marriages.

The part of this story I like is that he was later martyred for his apparent treachery to the emperor and the state. That's right folks: he made couples happy, and he got executed for it. If I were in a relationship I would probably feel a bit better about this whole stupid day, and would probably feel bad for St. Valentine. But since I'm single, I've gotta side with Emperor Claudius II on this one.

I was going to plan some sort of mass armaggeddon as a personal protest celebration. But it turns out mass armageddons require a lot of time, money, resources, and planning. So with such short notice, I guess I'll just have to do what many single women out there are probably doing tonight: curl up on the couch with some ice cream, watch a sappy movie, and cry myself to sleep.

You all suck. Enjoy your stupid Valentine's Day.

(Parental Disclaimer: no Mom and Dad, don't worry, your son isn't actually this shallow.)