Caffeinated Scapegoat

I blame Starbucks:

1) For the emminent closing of the Edge Café, my favorite morning coffee joint. I'm sure they'd do better business if there weren't so many Starbucks locations near to them. I'm going to miss their super-excellent muffins.

2) For my apparent gain in weight over the last 2 or 3 years. First it was the subsidized Starbucks at EA, and now there's a Starbucks behind the Threewave office. I think I might be slightly addicted. I used to walk a whole block to get an afternoon snack, so I wouldn't. Now I just have to go across the back alley.

3) For turning me into a morning coffee drinker. I used to make fun of "those people", and now it looks like I've become one of them. Next I'll be ordering double shot espressos on a regular basis. It's only a matter of time.

4) For my mild mid-to-late afternoon headaches. When the caffeine from my morning coffee wears off I just feel crummy. The only solution seems to be more coffee, which only delays the headache a little longer.

5) For lost productivity at work. I take a break to go to Starbucks almost every day between 3pm and 4pm. I'd feel better if half the office weren't also doing the same thing. Just think how much more work we'd all be getting done if the Starbucks weren't there.

6) For lost money. We have free coffee at work, but I just can't help but go spend a couple bucks for a tall dark from Starbucks, even though I know I don't need it.

7) For my slow internet connection and poor cellphone service. The people maintaining those services are likely just as addicted to Starbucks as I am, and so they're out getting coffee when they could be monitoring their stations.

8) For the clear-cutting of the rain forest. I'm sure there must be some coffee beans in there, and I'm sure Starbucks is involved somehow.

9) For the situation in the middle east. We all know they're all just fighting over coffee, and that oil has nothing to do with it.

Okay, I guess those last 3 might be a stretch.