2011 is proving to be a pretty good year. I’m making sure of it. It’s hard to explain the how or why, but the Christmas Holiday was a bit of an awakening for me. I came back to Vancouver and it was like somebody flipped a switch. No more misery, no more useless negativity, no more defeatist attitude. I’ve been trying very hard – and mostly succeeding – to take control of those things I don’t like about myself and trying to change them. It’s not easy, and I’m not perfect, and it’s not like I’ve changed overnight. Heck, I don’t even feel like I’ve changed much at all. But I certainly changed my perspective on certain things, and it’s making a world of difference in how I feel.
Among those things is my single status. I’ve been single for a very long time. 7 years 3 months for those counting. I haven’t dated (I’ve been on a single date in that time), and have barely made any effort to do so since I moved to Vancouver. I feel like it’s finally time for that to change, and it’s about damn time.
But what took me so long?
In the spring of 2002 I started spending a lot of time with a close female friend of mine, and by August of that year we were dating. We spent about a year in what I could call a “serious” relationship, which peaked when I moved to Vancouver in August 2003, and ended officially in December 2003.
Those of you who know me already know the story and all the gory details of what was a crazy roller-coaster ride of emotions. It had a lot of amazing ups, and a lot of really scary downs. The coaster in Galaxyland had nothing on us. She was – is - a great girl with a lot of great qualities. But there were things just didn’t work between us a lot of the time.
You see, there were issues going into the relationship. Problems I knew about. Things I knew about her, about her personality, about her past. Things that, prior to dating, I told myself would prevent any sort of relationship with her from ever happening. But when it did, I convinced myself that I could get past those things. I convinced myself that I – that we – could get past them together. That they didn’t matter in the long run, and that I wouldn’t let them bother me. That things could be different.
I fooled myself, and for a long while it worked.
But my subconscious mind knew better, and I always felt like I had one foot out the door, just in case at some point I’d have to run. I think she knew. No, scratch that. I know she knew. (On the off chance you’re out there reading this, I’m sorry about that. It wasn’t fair of me. Neither one of us was perfect. )
Ultimately, those things that I couldn’t get past would spell the end for us. We ended things amicably, but it we ended nonetheless.
Afterwards, I felt positive about the outcome. I was glad we were still friends. I felt like I’d grown. I felt like I’d learned something. For better or worse, I felt stronger.
It’s taken me this long – 7 years, 3 months – to realize the damage that was done. I thought I’d come out unscathed, unaffected. But I was dead wrong. Layers of me had been stripped away, quietly, silently, and with careful precision.
For the record, I don’t blame her. I don’t resent her. I don’t regret it. I just wish I’d been able to open my eyes and see the very obvious signs sooner. I wish I’d been smarter and more honest with myself about my feelings.
Thinking about that part of my past has been like a slow acting poison seeping into my brain. Self doubt. For a long time I didn’t feel like I could handle another relationship. Maybe I’m not nice enough. Maybe I’m not good enough. Not sexy enough. Not witty enough, or clever enough, or mature enough. Maybe I’m not the kind of guy any woman would want anything to do with. Maybe there’s just no girl out there that’s compatible with me. Maybe I'm just "damaged goods".
I’d lost sight of myself and about many of the things I valued about myself. No, scratch that too. Things I do value about myself. I don’t need that poison anymore. I don’t need to hold on to that. Maybe I never did. And so I’m taking that poison and turning it into an antidote. Live, learn, grow, and love.
I saw a lot of good friends during my Christmas vacation. People who know me well. People who often have a stronger sense of who I am and what I’m capable of than I do about myself. Somehow they put a lot of things in perspective for me, and probably without even knowing it. I don’t know what I’d do without my friends, and I’m infinitely thankful to be blessed with so many good ones.
I feel like I’m waking up and remembering who I am again, and what I want out of life. I’ve always known, really, but it’s taken a long while – definitely too long - to come back to the point where I feel like I own that.
It's time for change. No more complaining about rainy days, when I could be spending my time looking forward to those amazing sunny days that are just around the corner.
-----
Quick addendum:
I got to reading back on some old posts, as I do about once a year. The theme of this post seemed familiar. Back in Jan or Feb of '09 I made a similar (but different) post and made some very similar claims about "taking control" and "making changes".
So while you might be thinking "oh, I've heard this one before", you'll just have to trust me when I say that this year has already been a different story.
3.31.2011
10.04.2010
Vancouver is cold, and I don't mean rainy.
Every once in a while I pick up one of the local daily papers and read the dating columns. If you've ever read one of these in the Vancouver area then you know that one of the number one criticisms of Vancouver singles is that it's incredibly hard to meet people here. In my experience, it's been equally hard to build on any sort of relationship, even if only a friendship . Relationships in Vancouver, for some reason, are often very impersonal.
A friend and I were discussing that this evening. Nobody seems to be able to explain it, but most people seem to agree that when it comes to the people, Vancouver is a very cold city. That's certainly been my impression, and it's one of the primary factors that will ultimately keep me from ever settling down here for good. Eventually, when the time is right, I know I'll move to a new city. Because ultimately I just don't like Vancouver, no matter how much I want to. It's the people that make a city, and my experience has been lacking in that respect. I've met some great people and made some great friends, but there always seems to be a closeness lacking here that I've had with past relationships in other cities.
An aside to illustrate my point: I went to a house party last night. There was an interesting guy there from Sweden who had only met the party host perhaps days, or maybe even hours, before. Through a brief case of mistaken identity, he had met some people I know. But instead of letting the encounter pass, he had pursued them, told them they seemed friendly, and suggested that they hang some time. And so here he was at the house party. This kind of thing does not, in my experience, ever happen in Vancouver. People generally aren't this forward and friendly. But I guess when you've moved to a new country where you don't know anybody you have to make friends somehow. I think a lot of us could learn something from this guy.
I'm sure there are lots of people who would disagree with what I'm saying here. And in my case I'm sure that some of this perceived coldness probably falls upon me and how I deal with people in my life. Maybe the city isn't all that impersonal at all. Maybe I've just removed myself a step or two from the rest of society. Maybe I'm the one that's being impersonal. But I know that it wasn't always the case, and I wonder what's different. What changed?
The friend I was talking with got me thinking about it. How and why have I changed the way I respond to the people I meet since I moved here? What keeps me treading that fine line been friend and acquaintance? And how come chance meetings with strangers always seem to stop there?
I think part of it is technology. Communications technology especially has become more and more advanced and become more ingrained in day-to-day life over the last 10 years. We have cellphones, internet chat, VOIP telephones, video messages, e-mail, text messages, MSN, Facebook, Blackberry messenger...
And the more ways I'm given to communicate, the more I find I'm doing less of it, or doing more of it with a significant decrease in the quality of communications.
I would estimate that 75% of my regular communications with friends these days is done via MSN, text, or e-mail. When you're limited to text-based commication mediums, you tend to pare information down to only the basic essentials of a message. All the flavor and fluff tends to get left behind in favor of speed and efficiency. Nobody wants to write a book about their life into a chat box 150 characters at a time. A conversation about your feelings just isn't any easy thing to carry out over instant messages or cell texts.
There was a time when I spent a lot of time on the telephone talking with friends. I made a point of calling them and chatting for as little as 5 minutes and as long as a few hours. I hardly do that anymore, and I miss it. I'm not sure why I stopped, but I definitely think that my relationships with my friends were much better when I did. These days I get daily updates via MSN status, facebook updates, and twitter about what my friends are up to. And I like to think that this is keeping me up to date on what's going on in their lives. But that personal element is still missing.
This is probably also a major contributing factor to my perpetual singledom.
(I'm sure there are plenty of other factors, but let's not dwell on that.)
It turns out that building and maintaining relationships takes work and a bit of effort. And it seems like all the technology in my life provides an illusion of ease and convenience, while actually making the situation worse.
The aforementioned friend and I have been talking a lot lately. We can talk to each other for hours, and often do almost nothing else. In fact, just this evening we stood in a parking lot for almost 2 hours chatting under the street lights, well after the movie we saw had let out. And it's been very refreshing. Of all the relationships I have with people, these are the kind I value most.
Another sidenote: We had just seen "The Social Network". Conversation was not about the movie, but there's an interesting juxtaposition in that.
So I'm trying to be more conscious of how I respond to people. I'm trying to make more of an effort to show an interest in the people around me and their lives. It's fairly apparent to me that I've become rather insular since I've come to Vancouver, and I think it's time that I change that. Though it will take some considerable effort on my part to change my habits, it's time to open myself to those around me. And maybe if I do I'll learn to like the city a little more.
Of course, it's not just me. I've had similar conversations with quite a few people about this, and there's certainly a consensus on the issue. It seems like the whole of Vancouver could benefit from a change in habit.
So maybe all we need to do is get off the internet, switch off our cellphones, and talk to each other. With our voices, and with our hearts.
A friend and I were discussing that this evening. Nobody seems to be able to explain it, but most people seem to agree that when it comes to the people, Vancouver is a very cold city. That's certainly been my impression, and it's one of the primary factors that will ultimately keep me from ever settling down here for good. Eventually, when the time is right, I know I'll move to a new city. Because ultimately I just don't like Vancouver, no matter how much I want to. It's the people that make a city, and my experience has been lacking in that respect. I've met some great people and made some great friends, but there always seems to be a closeness lacking here that I've had with past relationships in other cities.
An aside to illustrate my point: I went to a house party last night. There was an interesting guy there from Sweden who had only met the party host perhaps days, or maybe even hours, before. Through a brief case of mistaken identity, he had met some people I know. But instead of letting the encounter pass, he had pursued them, told them they seemed friendly, and suggested that they hang some time. And so here he was at the house party. This kind of thing does not, in my experience, ever happen in Vancouver. People generally aren't this forward and friendly. But I guess when you've moved to a new country where you don't know anybody you have to make friends somehow. I think a lot of us could learn something from this guy.
I'm sure there are lots of people who would disagree with what I'm saying here. And in my case I'm sure that some of this perceived coldness probably falls upon me and how I deal with people in my life. Maybe the city isn't all that impersonal at all. Maybe I've just removed myself a step or two from the rest of society. Maybe I'm the one that's being impersonal. But I know that it wasn't always the case, and I wonder what's different. What changed?
The friend I was talking with got me thinking about it. How and why have I changed the way I respond to the people I meet since I moved here? What keeps me treading that fine line been friend and acquaintance? And how come chance meetings with strangers always seem to stop there?
I think part of it is technology. Communications technology especially has become more and more advanced and become more ingrained in day-to-day life over the last 10 years. We have cellphones, internet chat, VOIP telephones, video messages, e-mail, text messages, MSN, Facebook, Blackberry messenger...
And the more ways I'm given to communicate, the more I find I'm doing less of it, or doing more of it with a significant decrease in the quality of communications.
I would estimate that 75% of my regular communications with friends these days is done via MSN, text, or e-mail. When you're limited to text-based commication mediums, you tend to pare information down to only the basic essentials of a message. All the flavor and fluff tends to get left behind in favor of speed and efficiency. Nobody wants to write a book about their life into a chat box 150 characters at a time. A conversation about your feelings just isn't any easy thing to carry out over instant messages or cell texts.
There was a time when I spent a lot of time on the telephone talking with friends. I made a point of calling them and chatting for as little as 5 minutes and as long as a few hours. I hardly do that anymore, and I miss it. I'm not sure why I stopped, but I definitely think that my relationships with my friends were much better when I did. These days I get daily updates via MSN status, facebook updates, and twitter about what my friends are up to. And I like to think that this is keeping me up to date on what's going on in their lives. But that personal element is still missing.
This is probably also a major contributing factor to my perpetual singledom.
(I'm sure there are plenty of other factors, but let's not dwell on that.)
It turns out that building and maintaining relationships takes work and a bit of effort. And it seems like all the technology in my life provides an illusion of ease and convenience, while actually making the situation worse.
The aforementioned friend and I have been talking a lot lately. We can talk to each other for hours, and often do almost nothing else. In fact, just this evening we stood in a parking lot for almost 2 hours chatting under the street lights, well after the movie we saw had let out. And it's been very refreshing. Of all the relationships I have with people, these are the kind I value most.
Another sidenote: We had just seen "The Social Network". Conversation was not about the movie, but there's an interesting juxtaposition in that.
So I'm trying to be more conscious of how I respond to people. I'm trying to make more of an effort to show an interest in the people around me and their lives. It's fairly apparent to me that I've become rather insular since I've come to Vancouver, and I think it's time that I change that. Though it will take some considerable effort on my part to change my habits, it's time to open myself to those around me. And maybe if I do I'll learn to like the city a little more.
Of course, it's not just me. I've had similar conversations with quite a few people about this, and there's certainly a consensus on the issue. It seems like the whole of Vancouver could benefit from a change in habit.
So maybe all we need to do is get off the internet, switch off our cellphones, and talk to each other. With our voices, and with our hearts.
5.31.2010
Six Degrees of Wikipedia
I find it fascinating how bands are influenced by each other, and how a pseudo-history of a band's musical influences can be traced. Here's an example:
You may or may not know that a while back Trent Reznor announced that he would no longer tour with Nine Inch Nails. Recently he announced a new project, How to Destroy Angels, a new mostly electronic project with his wife.
I read a blurb somewhere about how the band name was inspired by a Coil song by the same name. I'd heard of Coil, and recognized that they were a pioneer in the industrial music scene. But I wasn't failiar with them, so I looked them up on Wikipedia while listening to some of their albums on grooveshark. This turned into a short little link-hopping jaunt which lead me full circle. Here's how it went.
1.) Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails formed a new band, How to Destroy Angels
2.) "How to Destroy Angels" was the name of the first released single by industrial band Coil in the early 80s
3.) In 1985 Coil recorded a cover version of the song "Tainted Love"
4.) The best known (but not original) version of "Tainted Love" was recorded by Soft Cell in 1981.
5.)Soft Cell released "Tainted Love" as their second single, after "Memorabilia", their first single.
6.) "Memorabilia" was later covered by Nine Inch Nails.
Neat, huh?
You may or may not know that a while back Trent Reznor announced that he would no longer tour with Nine Inch Nails. Recently he announced a new project, How to Destroy Angels, a new mostly electronic project with his wife.
I read a blurb somewhere about how the band name was inspired by a Coil song by the same name. I'd heard of Coil, and recognized that they were a pioneer in the industrial music scene. But I wasn't failiar with them, so I looked them up on Wikipedia while listening to some of their albums on grooveshark. This turned into a short little link-hopping jaunt which lead me full circle. Here's how it went.
1.) Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails formed a new band, How to Destroy Angels
2.) "How to Destroy Angels" was the name of the first released single by industrial band Coil in the early 80s
3.) In 1985 Coil recorded a cover version of the song "Tainted Love"
4.) The best known (but not original) version of "Tainted Love" was recorded by Soft Cell in 1981.
5.)Soft Cell released "Tainted Love" as their second single, after "Memorabilia", their first single.
6.) "Memorabilia" was later covered by Nine Inch Nails.
Neat, huh?
4.16.2010
You Know You Have Issues When...
So I came home with the intentions of relaxing in front of the couch and watching a movie. I warmed myself up to it by watching some TV. But then, after 1.5 hours of TV I couldn't decide what movie to watch. And by that time I wasn't sure I wanted to sit through a movie for 2 or 3 hours. So I sat and debated with myself, and tried to decide what to watch. And in the end I watched another 1.5 hours of television while deliberating with myself.
4.08.2010
Astrology Sucks!
The following was my horoscope on the telus homepage today. No word of a lie.
Health : You should get a membership at a gym. It is for your health. Your sedentary lifestyle offers no benefits. You need to be more active.
Hey horoscope: you suck. Stop being right.
And for the record, I am not getting a gym membership. There are other ways to get active and healthy without spending money on a gym.
Health : You should get a membership at a gym. It is for your health. Your sedentary lifestyle offers no benefits. You need to be more active.
Hey horoscope: you suck. Stop being right.
And for the record, I am not getting a gym membership. There are other ways to get active and healthy without spending money on a gym.
4.03.2010
I've Been Cleansed. (I Think)
My video games cleanse has come to an end. It's time to write about it a little bit and reflect on how I did.
I managed to say away from games at home for the most part. There was one night right at the end there when some friends came over and we played a few for entertainment. But with 3 people I figured it was social, and it was also the 30th, so I figured that close to the end of the month it was okay.
I didn't manage to kick the habit completely, and I don't think I ever could. I've been playing games so long that they're basically part of my being. I don't think I could ever give them up entirely. But I've proved to myself that I can take a break, and that I'm not tied down by them. Like anything else, it's mind over matter. I can play them, or I can not. The choice is always up to me.
I went out a bit more and spent more time with some friends. And I made a few more long distance phone calls than I normally would. It was nice being able to get in touch with a few friends. I think I'll do it more often.
I didn't get anything productive done though. In the entire month I think I spent a whopping 4 hours working on portfolio stuff. Even without games, most days I still wasn't in the mood to do anything that would require thinking. At the end of the day I ultimately just want to turn my brain off and recharge.
And while I was able to avoid games at home, I found that I usually just filled that same time watching television, which is far less interesting than a game. I could have avoided that too, except that a friend lent me the final season of Battlestar Galactica on DVD. 2 episodes a night for 2 weeks really ate through my month.
So what have I learned? Well, not much really. I guess on some levels I feel better about myself. But in terms of being productive there's still work to be done. Maybe that will by my next goal.
I managed to say away from games at home for the most part. There was one night right at the end there when some friends came over and we played a few for entertainment. But with 3 people I figured it was social, and it was also the 30th, so I figured that close to the end of the month it was okay.
I didn't manage to kick the habit completely, and I don't think I ever could. I've been playing games so long that they're basically part of my being. I don't think I could ever give them up entirely. But I've proved to myself that I can take a break, and that I'm not tied down by them. Like anything else, it's mind over matter. I can play them, or I can not. The choice is always up to me.
I went out a bit more and spent more time with some friends. And I made a few more long distance phone calls than I normally would. It was nice being able to get in touch with a few friends. I think I'll do it more often.
I didn't get anything productive done though. In the entire month I think I spent a whopping 4 hours working on portfolio stuff. Even without games, most days I still wasn't in the mood to do anything that would require thinking. At the end of the day I ultimately just want to turn my brain off and recharge.
And while I was able to avoid games at home, I found that I usually just filled that same time watching television, which is far less interesting than a game. I could have avoided that too, except that a friend lent me the final season of Battlestar Galactica on DVD. 2 episodes a night for 2 weeks really ate through my month.
So what have I learned? Well, not much really. I guess on some levels I feel better about myself. But in terms of being productive there's still work to be done. Maybe that will by my next goal.
3.28.2010
A Conversation Snippet
M: "You're awfully cute. I'm surprised you haven't been cougar-mauled yet."
A: "Well thank you. I'm flattered that you think I should be mauled by cougars."
A: "Well thank you. I'm flattered that you think I should be mauled by cougars."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
